space essay
(text-colour:#f65991)+(text-style:"bold")[Party of One]
(text-colour:#4D8AF0)[by Anya Bond]
(click: "by Anya Bond")[[click to begin]]You get a text from your roommate Catie.
(t8n: "fade-up")+(text-style:"bold")+(click: "text")+(font:'Courier New')+(text-colour:white)[Hey, are you busy tonight?]
(t8n: "fade-up")+(text-style:"bold")+(click: "Hey, are you busy tonight?")+(font:'Courier New')+(align:"<==")+(box:"=XX=")+(text-colour: #0677D7)[No, why?]
(click: "No, why?")+(text-colour:#f65991)[ [[You wonder where this conversation will end up going...]] ]She is everything you are not—tall, extroverted, and spontaneous. Her half of the room is decorated with glossy photos of her friends from her high school, her golden retriever, and large family. Meanwhile, your half of the room always seems to be in disarray with trumpet music and (text-colour:#f65991)[[marching band]] shoes stowed under your bed.Your friend, Lily who plays the mellophone, smiles with excitement.
“No way! I was in Peterson (text-colour:#f65991)[[420]] my freshman year too! It’s like housing knows band kids are too busy to actually live up to its room number.”<iframe src="https://drive.google.com/file/d/10aYvRJWmJXI1IY7L-swQheQ2x3QDAIHZ/preview" width="640" height="480" allow="autoplay"></iframe>(text-color: '#black')[The conversation somehow turns into getting a cat.]
(click: "The conversation somehow turns into getting a cat.")[His name is [[Clyde.]] ]You never expected (text-colour:#f65991)[[Catie]] and (text-colour:#f65991)[[Kaylan]] to actually go through with their plans of adopting a cat. His orange stripes remind you of Milo from your childhood favorite movie and because he likes getting in trouble.
(click: "and because he likes getting in trouble.")[He pees on your bed sheets...]
(click: "bed sheets...")[twice.]
(click: "twice.")[The first week of October during your freshman year was known to be very stressful. Of all the possible stains a dorm room could have, cat pee was not one you were expecting to clean up.]
(click: "clean up.")[He was soon rehomed because there is a reason why UNH dorms have a no pet policy.]
(click: "no pet policy.")[Catie settles on getting a (text-colour:#f65991)[[white betta fish]] instead.]
<iframe src="https://drive.google.com/file/d/1k0dNilm_7YsQUJu1tr5-vDrIIUQA_uKB/preview" width="640" height="480" allow="autoplay"></iframe>"His name is Cow!"
(click: "Cow!")[He dies shortly after winter break :(]
<iframe src="https://drive.google.com/file/d/1l4HeyBW8ihhiaqQlibiyO1B8DY2bziyv/preview" width="640" height="480" allow="autoplay"></iframe>Ever since you were five years old, you have always told people that you were going to become a veterinarian. It is partly why you chose UNH because they have a pre-vet program. You thought you were going to be one of those sleep-deprived students who milks cows at 4 am because //that's// how much you love animals. For the first time, you realize how important it is to smile while you work, which is hard to do while caring for sick animals who make you cry.
(click: "you realize how important it is to smile while you work")+(text-colour:#f65991)[ [[You decide to pursue dentistry instead...]] ]The drawers of your desk are now filled with flyers and posters from the Pre-Dental Society. You never expected that your world would be surrounded by clip art images of smiling teeth holding toothbrushes. You also never expected that participating with a smaller group of other pre-dental students would seem less scary and actually fun.
(click: "actually fun.")[After the first meeting, you walk back to your dorm room blushing with inspiration. To anyone walking past, they would probably think that you had just spent the night with your crush because of your cheesy grin. In reality, you are giddy with anticipation to learn more about becoming a dentist.]
(click: "dentist.")[You keep the same unopened tab on your phone titled “How to Get into Dental School” for safekeeping–for when it actually happens.]
(click: "How to Get into Dental School")[As fast as your freshman year goes by, so does Catie and Kaylan.]
(click: "freshman year")[Soon, 420 becomes (text-colour:#f65991)[[510.]] ]You think to yourself: (text-style:"italic")[Okay, I have finally found my friend group.]
(click: "friend group.")
[ (text-colour:#f65991)[[Mariah]], (text-colour:#f65991)[[Heather]], you, and (text-colour:#f65991)[[Erin]] all share the same type of humor. It's the kind of humor where you feel at ease. You don't have to worry about saying the wrong thing because being with them is like breathing fresh air on a warm spring day after a long cold winter.] You and Heather spend Thursday nights talking about your (text-colour:#f65991)[[favorite shows and movies]] instead of studying for organic chemistry quizzes.
Her room is decorated with clean white sheets, cozy blankets, and an assortment of nail polishes (pink was her favorite) stacked along her desk. Her room looks like it came out of a Pottery Barn catalog. It becomes the perfect place to have impromptu Friday night movie watching marathons with the group. "I am not really good at it yet, but it's still fun! (click: "but it's still fun!") [Who wants to go first?"]
(click: "Who wants to go first?")[For some reason, she looks at you and says your name.]
(click: "your name.")[And for some reason you willingly sit across from Erin with your legs folded neatly on the blue rug. It's the kind of rug that has hosted many hours of late-night talks and gossip sessions between the four of you.]
(click: "gossip sessions")[Compared to everyone else, Erin is the more spiritual friend in the group. She likes crystals, essential oils, and even buying a new deck of tarot cards. Her half of the room always has diffusers puffing out the smell of eucalyptus and lavender. Everytime you walk into her room, you feel like you are stepping into a locally owned business that sells handmade soaps that also belongs to someone who has a mild shopping addiction.]
(click: "a mild shopping addiction.")[Feeling nervous, you ask, "What are my options?" You have never been told your fortune before.]
(click: "What are my options?")
["(text-colour:#f65991)[[Love]], (text-colour:#f65991)[[career]], or (text-colour:#f65991)[[family?]]," she asks with a pocket guide book in her hands, looking like she is about to cast a spell.] The dorm is no longer filled with the smell of (text-colour:#4D8AF0)+(hover-style:(text-color:green))[weed].
Instead, Mariah fills the dorm with actual plants.
(click: "plants.")["You are totally smart enough to be a doctor if you wanted to, just so you know."]
(click: "just so you know.")[She scrunches her face, "No, I can't. I don't like medicine, really."]
(click: "I don't like medicine, really.")[She smiles, "I just like plants and nature.] (click: "nature.") [I like being a plant mom."]
<iframe src="https://drive.google.com/file/d/1s6f2yVSYDDGawbu93aXmogri584OZ55Z/preview" width="640" height="480" allow="autoplay"></iframe>You are too nervous to hear what love could mean from a deck of cards.
(text-colour:#f65991)[[You chose career instead.|career]]Erin places the first card down.
(click: "the first card")[Coincidentally, the card has your zodiac symbol displayed on the top.]
(click: "your zodiac symbol")["You are witty and ambitious," she says while flipping the pages of her tiny book. "(text-colour:#f65991)[[Be patient with yourself]] because it might take longer than expected to reach your aspirational goals."]You don't need a deck of cards to know that family is something you will always have.
(text-colour:#f65991)[[You chose career instead.|career]](text-style:"italic")[She is definitely a "stoney baloney,"] you think to yourself. She does it even when you are in the room next door and you try to pretend that you are //totally chill// with it.
(click: "totally chill")[Except you secretly wish that the entire suite didn’t smell like a dispensary every time you would come back from class or rehearsal. Or even when it's midnight and you finally climb into bed and you feel her depressive smoke hover over you like a cloud. Ironically, she is the only person who lives up to the room number.]
(click: "the room number.")[You, [[Catie|Clyde.]], and Kaylan are all on the (text-colour:#f65991)[[pre-vet track.]] ]You want to do something fun as a group to celebrate Halloween.
You suggest painting pumpkins and Heather suggests watching a new movie called (text-style:"italic") [Hereditary].
Everything is fine until (text-colour:#f65991)[[the four of you]] look at the screen and realize someone was just decapitated. Somehow pumpkin painting turned into complete confusion, not realizing just how morbid the movie was going to become.
"Um, let's pretend I never suggested this movie..." We all laugh as Heather shields the screen with her pumpkin.
<iframe src="https://drive.google.com/file/d/1d4sN2XdLAIok94KN_FM1Dl2i5_XI68wi/preview" width="640" height="480" allow="autoplay"></iframe>A few weeks later, while the rest of campus is asleep, (text-colour:#f65991)[[the four of you|510.]] decide to throw the pumpkins that you painted over the Ham Smith bridge before they have the chance to get mushy.
(click: "the Ham Smith bridge")[Pumpkin chunks scatter across library hill like a minefield of orange shards that represent late night college shenanigans. Every time you walk across the bridge you think about that night and how everyone's laughter echoed across the quiet campus and how easy it feels to be spontaneous with the right group of people.]
<iframe src="https://drive.google.com/file/d/1Ktg2VoPze3EiW13xeVBR4ZR5OahDoN0L/preview" width="640" height="480" allow="autoplay"></iframe>Unfortunately, everyone from 510 went their separate ways. [[Mariah]] decided to take a gap year, [[Heather]] had to move back home, and [[Erin]] found that she could not keep up with out-of-state tuition and moved back to Pennsylvania.
<iframe src="https://drive.google.com/file/d/12Mp2KMIrsVxT_vyBLaMbYS48Sg3ngefu/preview" width="640" height="480" allow="autoplay"></iframe>
Soon, 510 becomes (text-colour:#f65991)[[237.]] It is your Junior year.
(click: "It is your Junior year.")[Everything is online and every day is on repeat.]
(click: "every day is on repeat.")[You feel like you belong to a [party of one.] ]
(click: "party of one.")[You are left with a dingle (a double sized room turned into a single).]
(click: "dingle")[One half of the room is barely decorated, while the other half has cold cinder block walls and an empty bed that collects dust as the weeks go by.]
(click: "weeks go by.")[At night when you close the blinds, you feel like a creepy stalker who likes to people-watch through the window. There is a basketball court outside where you see friends shoot hoops between zoom classes or (text-colour:#f65991)[[watch fluffy dogs]] be petted by other lonely college students. You also spy on awkward first dates of young couples holding hands trying to skateboard together, which leaves a bittersweet feeling in the pit of your stomach. You feel like you are stuck inside while the rest of the world continues to move along outside your window.]
(click: "outside your window.")[The blast of the industrial train's whistle keeps you up at 2am. Restless thoughts of anxiety race back and forth in your head for hours.]
(click: "for hours.")[You start to lose focus on why you want to become a dentist with the endless (text-colour:#f65991)[[back-to-back zoom links.]] You don't remember much from your Junior year other than going to the gym (and listening to the Hamilton soundtrack) almost everyday to keep yourself moving...]
(click: "keep yourself moving...")[because otherwise you might actually become a hermit (text-colour:#f65991)[[who never sees the sun.]] ]
<iframe src="https://drive.google.com/file/d/1vdRExOL-IlxJ9cAIjJLQS2Fu495UuGjX/preview" width="640" height="480" allow="autoplay"></iframe>[There are only so many sleepless nights of rewatching Gilmore Girls you can take before the theme song starts to subconsciously loop in your head.]
(click:"Gilmore Girls")[ (text-colour:#f65991)[[Bored and willing to try anything new, you decided to watch something else instead...]] ]
<iframe src="https://drive.google.com/file/d/1uGBSRCYnAcgMO8QUszl992Jl4q1eO3cU/preview" width="640" height="480" allow="autoplay"></iframe>You learn how to become a certified EMT.
(click: "You learn how to become a certified EMT.")[Except, you have nobody else to practice on.]
(click: "Except, you have nobody else to practice on.")[So, you resort to the next best thing that has an arm to use for splinting.]
<iframe src="https://drive.google.com/file/d/1umt1e28ELgHd1-xATbKPKoBvZJfctKkn/preview" width="640" height="480" allow="autoplay"></iframe>(text-style:"italic")[click]
(click: "click")[The loud hinges unlock as the door to your new single slowly opens to what will be known as the place where you will spend your senior year.]
(click: "senior year.")[You are faced with a room that has the familiar cinder block walls, a dusty unmade bed, and a desk that completely closes off any space for breathing. There is a narrow window with crooked blinds. The room doesn't smell like it should belong to you. Instead, it smells like the dingle but worse, because you are actually alone. That's why they call it a single.]
(click: "single.")[Tears well-up and your mind races again, just like those nights the train rushes past at 2am. You are worried that you are going to be as lonely as you were last year.]
(click: "last year.")["Don't worry," your mom says, holding a tapestry that you bought to make your walls feel less empty. "Once we set everything up, (text-colour:#f65991)[[you will feel better.]] ]She was right.
(click: "She was right.")[ (text-colour:#f65991)[[Mom is always right.]] ]
<iframe src="https://drive.google.com/file/d/1Owzq5FdzUl17_lvwbHoOVQF9OUksB0o5/preview" width="640" height="480" allow="autoplay"></iframe>(t8n:"pulse")+(t8n-delay:0.5s)[Congratulations!]
(click: "Congratulations!")[You become the president of the Pre-Dental Society. The floor of your single is covered with (text-colour:#f65991)[[posters]] used for on-campus events (made last minute, of course). On your desk, there is a (text-colour:#f65991)[[notebook]] that you impulsively bought where you scribble down any meeting notes, pretending that you know what you are doing.]
(click: "pretending")[You spend Monday nights leading weekly meetings. On weekends, you prepare presentation slides, answer emails, complete numerous forms where you have to remember random account numbers (nobody tells you about the paperwork), visit dental schools, and schedule meetings with dentists. Most importantly, you reassure scared freshmen who are just as afraid as you are to not give up. You tell them to take it one day at a time because that's what you did.]
(click: "because that's what you did.")[ (text-colour:#f65991)[[That's what you still do.]] ] Just because you are in a single room, doesn't mean you have to be alone.
You, Mariah, and her friend (text-colour:#f65991)[[Kelly]], remind you of that every time you see them.
(click: "every time you see them.")[It feels like time picks up right where it left off. Mariah is still the same plant biology enthusiast who also takes you to places like the white mountains and the (text-colour:#f65991)[[RageCage.]] ] <iframe src="https://drive.google.com/file/d/1xMzlu0o5hhPA6PVeysVNeQNGdzHB_c1W/preview" width="640" height="480" allow="autoplay"></iframe>You realize how much you have grown since becoming president. Nobody told you that you were expected to revive the club from the depths of being completely online to suddenly being back in-person where you have to remember people's names and their faces. You don't know much about how to run a student org, but what you do know is that you want new members to feel as excited as you did that first night in hopes that they too get to walk back to their dorms with the same cheesy grin. You like to think that you were able to accomplish such things when people tell you after meetings "that was really fun" and "I want to be president next year."
(click: "next year.")[You realize how the club still does the very thing that it did during your freshman year.]
(click: "still does")[ (text-colour:#f65991)[[It inspires you (again).]] ] You get a text from your former roommate Mariah.
(t8n: "fade-up")+(click: "text")+(font:'Courier New')+(text-style:"bold")+(text-colour:white)[Hey! Are you busy tonight?]
(click: "Hey! Are you busy tonight?")+(font:'Courier New')+(text-style:"bold")+(align:"<==")+(box:"=XX=")+(text-colour: #0677D7)+(t8n: "fade-up")[ [[No, why?]] ]Kelly is just as sarcastic as you are, if not more. She also likes plants.
(click: "She also likes plants.")[She brings you a succulent to keep on your window sill. (text-style:"italic")[Hopefully I can keep this one alive], you think to yourself.]
<iframe src="https://drive.google.com/file/d/1lqeYOmCT6rl-6DN-TNTg07sR7HQr9-aV/preview" width="640" height="480" allow="autoplay"></iframe>(text-style:"bold")[Intense heavy metal music blasts your eardrums.]
(click: "eardrums.")[Not even two hours ago, you were alone in your quiet room procrastinating doing laundry.]
(click: "laundry.")[Now you find yourself locked in a room called (t8n: "rumble")+(text-colour:#FF0000)+(font:'Impact')+(t8n-delay:1.8s)[the Smash Zone.] ]
(click: "the Smash Zone.")[Mariah places your next opponent in front of you:]
(click: "opponent")[It is a fragile glass vase that once held flowers in a previous lifetime. You look at the carnage that surrounds your feet. There’s no going back.]
(click: "There’s no going back.")[You equip your gloves and pull down your face shield.]
(click: "face shield.")+(t8n: "pulse")+(text-style:"bold")[Choose your weapon.]
(click: "Choose your weapon.")[
[[a dingy sledge hammer]]
[[a sparkly pink baseball bat]]
[[forget the weapon, smash the vase at the ground instead]] ](hover-style:(text-color:#FFD700))[You have successfully defeated your opponent.]
(click: "You have successfully defeated your opponent.")[<iframe src="https://drive.google.com/file/d/1XReKarpgWldmxpOpFpFdNJs07wD7O_L3/preview" width="640" height="480" allow="autoplay"></iframe>]
(click:"opponent.")+(text-colour:#f65991)[ [[(you feel better)]] ](hover-style:(text-color:#FFD700))[You have successfully defeated your opponent.]
(click: "You have successfully defeated your opponent.")[<iframe src="https://drive.google.com/file/d/1XReKarpgWldmxpOpFpFdNJs07wD7O_L3/preview" width="640" height="480" allow="autoplay"></iframe>]
(click:"opponent.")+(text-colour:#f65991)[ [[(you feel better)]] ](hover-style:(text-color:#FFD700))[You have successfully defeated your opponent.]
(click: "You have successfully defeated your opponent.")[<iframe src="https://drive.google.com/file/d/1XReKarpgWldmxpOpFpFdNJs07wD7O_L3/preview" width="640" height="480" allow="autoplay"></iframe>]
(click:"opponent.")+(text-colour:#f65991)[ [[(you feel better)]] ]one of your favorite dorm rooms you've ever had.
(click: "one of your favorite dorm rooms you've ever had.")[Even though friends have come and gone, along with their own dorm items that makes them who they are, for the first time you are able to have a space that you can call your own.]
(click: "your own.")[While you may not have a green thumb like Mariah, or have long enough nails to paint pretty in pink like Heather, or be in touch with your spiritual side like Erin, you are, however, proud of the many items that represent who you've become.]
(click: "you've become.")[You have become more confident]
(click:"confident")[and kind]
(click: "and kind")[to not only others,]
(click:"to not only others,")[but most importantly,]
(click: "but most importantly,")[ (text-colour:#f65991)[[to yourself.]] ] You decide to watch RuPaul’s Drag Race.
(click: "You decide to watch RuPaul’s Drag Race.")[You never expected just how much drag queens could help you feel more confident. It's like by watching people truly express themselves, there is no excuse not to feel the same way, because if they can do it so easily, why can't you? You go down a rabbit hole. You immerse yourself in a glittery world of wigs, make-up, size 12 heels, and obscure hashtags like #youbetterwerk and #canigetanamen. You wish you had found the show a few years earlier, especially since you knew people in marching band who did their own drag and went to events. Maybe you could have actually been friends with them. Either way, you never knew that a competition show with lip sync battles could make you feel less lonely. Through osmosis, you hope that some of their confidence transfers through your smudged screen. When you go home that summer, you and your mom would say things like “sissy that walk” and “don’t fuck it up” to each other. You always know what to say to make each other laugh. It was what you needed most in a time where you felt alone in your room most nights.]
(click: "most nights.")[Eventually, you find yourself not watching the show as often. But you still think about RuPaul and his iconic message of how important it is to "love yourself..."]
(click: "love yourself")["because how in the hell you gonna love somebody else."]
(click: "somebody else.")[Except, you never thought that you could be that somebody else.]
(click: "you could be that somebody else.")[Soon, 237 becomes (text-colour:#f65991)[[235.]] ]<iframe src="https://drive.google.com/file/d/16frqfvy3TVVfPDB9uZSASidjvud1kBTm/preview" width="640" height="480" allow="autoplay"></iframe>(text-colour:#f65991)[ [[Soon 235 becomes...]] ]<iframe src="https://drive.google.com/file/d/1MKBxi_umDwVZ3RciEeWnwN8CFgJas4un/preview" width="640" height="480" allow="autoplay"></iframe>
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[[...|Title]] The doors to your next room awaits...
(click: "your next room awaits...")[It is up to you to go find the key]
(click: "find the key")[and sometimes that key is shaped like people you meet]
(click: "shaped like people")[or sometimes it might look like little successes]
(click: "little successes")[made along the way.]
(click: "made along the way.")[So don't stop now,]
(click: "So don't stop now,")[ (text-colour:#f65991)[[because what you have now is worth celebrating.]] ]<iframe src="https://drive.google.com/file/d/1o7HWyWjvBgn2D1ZL1XZrA2whGy0RwRYg/preview" width="640" height="480" allow="autoplay"></iframe>
↶↷Party of One
by Anya Bond
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